It is too painful to think that we have reached that certain point wherein the only choice we have is to end things and turn our backs always from each other. It feels like we’re just trying to start things up yet the moment we decided to let things rolling, you have a last minute change of plan and decided to shut me out. Do you know what you have done? I was too excited before that. Excited on all the feelings I’m going to feel. Excited on all the possibilities I might face. Excited on all the happenings that may change my life in an instant. But suddenly, that excitement turns into disappointment. You changed your mind and put me in a state of confusion, and bitterness. I was right. My life changed in an instant brought about by your giving up. You give up before trying. Before you lift your finger to put on the effort, you decided there and then that you can’t do anything to fix these. For you, it’s the end.
But for me, it isn’t over. The cameras are still rolling and the show is still going on. I shouldn’t stuck my self on things that are uncertain, but a single change of plans is not enough for me to kill my hopes. You ended it but I remain there. And things will only end if both parties stop trying. The fact that I’m still holding my place is an indication that it’s not yet over. I like to say that it’s just a time-out. But it’s definitely not a game over. I can’t just give up easily just because you’re the first one to do it. Maybe if I could convince you that things are still there waiting to be fix, you’ll go back to your place again and resume everything. Maybe if I could make you see that shutting me out is not the right way to clean this mess, you’ll start walking beside me again to catch things up. maybe if I try a little more and exert a little more, you’ll see that I’m strong enough for this relationship of ours to carry on.
“How am I supposed to decide this? How can I possibly stay without Mom and Dad? How can I leave without Teddy? Or Adam? This is too much. I don’t even understand how it all works, why I’m here in the state that I’m in or how to get out of it if I wanted to. If I were to say, I want to wake up, would I wake up right now? I already tried snapping my heels to find Teddy and trying to beam myself to Hawaii, and that didn’t work. This seems a whole lot more complicated. But in spite of that, I believe it’s true. I hear the nurse’s voice again. I am running the show. Everyone is waiting on me. I decide, I know this now. And it terrifies me more than anything else that has happened today.”